Parenting is a tough job. It requires constant attention, care, concern, effort, time, energy and love as well. It isnâ€™t something one can take for-granted, after all it is a formation of an individual person,Â development of a Human being. And in turn nurturing of a nation.
However, in recent times parents and specially mothers have been guilty of not doing their job of raising kids properly. We are made to lose focus on something that should be of prime importance â€“ parenting. We have media, social media, shoppings, socializing and a rat race to maintain status quo, in addition to career & family commitments and stresses to distract us.
The results are horrifying â€“ we have hyper active kids, depressed kids, kids with psychological disorders, under-confident kids, stressed kids and kids who show other serious behavioral and even physical disorders. This is a strange sadness. Despite all the gadgets and toys and accessories, we have failed in providing a happy childhood to our own children.
Few Mothers see it as a problem. And those who do, wrongly believe that it is something to do with her child, perhaps a potion to fix her child like magic. Or maybe a special dua, Wadhifa, a visit to a doctor, some pill maybe, maybe a visit to the Imam of the masjid or something external that would do its charm and the child be well-mannered happy kid in minutes.
Because the problem, they believe, is WITH KIDS, they argue.
Beenish Khan thinks otherwise. A zealous Montessori trained teacher who is working with children and parents for more than a decade now, Beenish believes that the key to solving this puzzle lies in the behavior and emotional and mental health of a mother.
She is on a mission to inculcate the core Islamic values of raising kids, the relevant Montessori method and the wisdom of Mind sciences â€“ in such a way that easy guiding material is available to mothers and teachers who are looking for answers. She runs a facebook page as well.
In one of her recent post, she dared asking some question to us mothers. And these questions were eye opener to me as well.
In asking those question, Beenish doesnâ€™t want answers herself she rather wants us to ponder over them and answer those ourselves. These are serious question and in their answers lies reasons as to why we have angry upset kids most of the times. Below I humbly share those questions along with my own personal thought process in respect of those:
- How much time do you spend with your children everyday? Do you think making food for them or doing laundry of their clothes is spending time WITH your kids? Do you prefer never ending house chores over your OWN kids, every time, every day?
- How much quality time do so spend with each of your child? Is it possible that one of your children, mostly the elder ones, are being neglected while you over pamper the younger ones considering they are smaller and need your attention more? How can you make sure to spend few quality minutes daily, with every single child of your â€“ giving him/her individual attention to fill them with your positive loving energy. Do you think it is worth your time and effort?
- Do you observe your children often? Their facial expressions, their way of working, their movements and guestures? Do you ever stop short in your tracks just to take a conscious deep look at your child who is engrossed in his task? Do you feel the gushing love for your little curious baby?
- Do you sometimes sit and listen to what your child want to say. Not multitasking, not simultaneously washing the dishes, or loading the dryer. Just sitting there. With undivided attention and not just merely hearing but actively LISTENING to what he/she has to say.
- Do you consider your child as an amanah from Allah SWT and be cautious about the fact that one day you will have to answer the almight about how you treated your child when he/she was given to you? Do you take him as an individual package of various attributes or are your constantly worried about that tiny one little problem/issue that your child has?
- What can you give to your child regardless of money and resources? Do you think it may be your time? Your creativity? Your passion about something? Good manners? The love of reading? Your love and care? Your kindness? Do you still think that money matters so much that lack of it would mean you can give nothing to your children?
- What do you think about your child? In what ways you think about your child? Is it something good? Can you share it with him/her? If it isnâ€™t good, is it something so big that you overlook the main fact that you have a Child in the first place? Do you think skin color, features, one or two bad habits, children tempraments or their personal choices is so much more to worry about than enjoying that fact that you have a child to play with?
- Do you consider your child an obedient one when he/she follows all your instructions or do you feel happy when he/she doesnâ€™t really obey you always but performs much better than your expectations in his/her own way? Do you encourage your child to do anything in a way he/she likes? Do you even give options? Or do you think that the only correct and tested way is what you are saying/thinking everything else is wrong?
- How often you label your child negatively? Like they are being stubborn, lazy, disobedient, cranky, hyper, shy, coward etc. Do you think labeling this way works in a positive manner? Do you think it will solve the problem?
- Do you discuss or talk about your child, in his/her presence, with others? Specially hate speech in respect of them? How awful they are and how miserable your life is only because of them? Have you ever watched your childs expressions/reactions after this discussion?
- Do you compare your child with other children, including his or her own siblings? Do you really think they should all be the same carbon copy of each other?
- How do you see your child growing up as a person? Have you ever thought about what kind of a person your child will be? Will they be a mamas baby? A good practicing muslim? Someone with values and character? A popular well known person? Or you just donâ€™t care what ever they become.
- How can you change yourself to bring positivity in your childâ€™s life? What are the goals of your own life? How can you improve yourself and become a positive person yourself in the first place? Do you think it is important or even relevant?
- Do you pray for your child? And do you find yourself ready for change when the prayers are accepted? Do you wake up at tahajjud and pray earnestly for the well being of your child? Do you think it is important enough?
- How much time do you spend in learning and grooming your own self? How much care and concern you are putting to be physically and emotionally healthy for the betterment of your child? Do you think it is important for you to learn life skills and become a skillful parent?