“And even those doors you have once depended on, suddenly shut.”
I was mesmerized by how accurate these words are when I first read them. Literally, that’s exactly what happens. Just ask anyone who’s been going through a calamity, a real one, one of those that you can’t tell others about, even the closest. And if you somehow manage to do so, you’ll so harshly get to know you shouldn’t have. Those who we open up to are not insincere, they’re not evil, despite all thousand proofs in one’s mind. We always tend to think “well if I were in his/her shoes, I’d NEVER EVER show such lack of interest and unwillingness to help in something which took so much effort for them to even spell out, to just get out of their chest.” What I realized is unfortunately you will.
Human beings are by nature forgetful and self-centered. And supposedly you found this creature who’d really try his/her best to genuinely help you through whatever it is that you’re going through, how much help can he/she really offer?, is it really worth it ? So, I decided to try as much as possible to not let anyone in. None. Unless their help is absolutely crucial to the extent that it’d be some sort of negativity from my side not to seek it, I won’t. So here I was, on my first baby steps towards being 100% dependent on Allah. I’d try my best, and wait. A couple of days later I went to get some official documents, and I was so worried. I hate this type of things. And I am a bit young to do it on my own too. It was a really long tiring drive, I didn’t know the directions, no parking lots, the papers may not be complete and then I may have to return home empty handed. So I didn’t do any extremes, I simply depended on Allah. I so many times say it with my tongue, but this time, although it wasn’t that big of a deal, I felt it. I felt it in my heart, I felt Allah is literally with me through the whole thing.
It got under my skin.
I could feel it.
Nothing will go wrong if Allah is with me and I’m doing my best. It all ended in almost an hour, and I swear I misread the GPS and went the wrong direction and the screen went from ‘8 mins remaining’ to ‘3 mins remaining’. I don’t know how that’s even possible.
As trivial as it sounds and as exaggerating as I sound, it was as if Allah is sending me a message (SWT). If I feel Allah’s companionship in my heart even in such a trivial not worth mentioning thing, and it went so unexpectedly well, why would it be that he won’t shower me with blessings when it comes to those things that I’ve been asking for for years now? How can I call for his help and guidance in those matters that literally consume every single capacity of my mind and imagine he’d fail me ?!
We, or at least I, sometimes think we’ve a really long way to achieve what we’re praying for. To me, some of these things seem impossible without the presence of certain people in my life, who Allah (SWT) chose for them not to be here. To me, some of the things I’m praying for seem impossible even when everyone is around, even if I’d been the best person I could have ever been in the past few years, which unfortunately I haven’t been. So, how in the world would I be able to achieve them without those people, who are irreplaceable, no one can take their place if they tried, and no one is willing to. How would my past mistakes affect my future ? I swear it’s almost like if -god forbids- my prayers weren’t answered, an insecure part of me wants to make sure whether it’s because Allah wants for things to go this way and that’s better for me and I still can’t see the good in them, or is it because I’ve maybe done things that have made Allah upset and that’s why I no more deserve what I’m praying for. Have you ever felt this way? You’re to some extent a religious person now but you weren’t at your best a few years ago and you can’t escape the waswasah of shaitan every time you see something good happening to someone else, he directly points it out in your mind: ” he’s been good, you haven’t, don’t dream of it, better yet, don’t dream, you’ve lost the right to do so”.
All I have to say to these voices in my head is:
1) Allah is the most generous, period.
2) To him I admit my lack of power, he’s my means, my only means, and he’s TRULY the only shelter I have.
3) He said “أنا عند ظن عبدي بي”, and he’s by all means in no need of putting me through misery, he’s “المعز المذل”, by no means would he see me begging for his “عزة” and still not grant it to me because he’s the most generous. He’s I swear my closest, most beloved.In my humble opinion I don’t think all my shortcomings would equate thinking any less of him.
So the plan inshaa’llah is to put things into prospective and never let anything take more of me than it should, ask Allah to set my priorities straight, do my best in each and every aspect, believe in Allah, ask for his forgiveness for the time I waisted, and NEVER doubt that whatever happens next is only an act of his mercy.”